I teach high school. Every day is a new adventure. My daily grind there, in and of itself, could be a completely separate blog! One day at the end of class, one of my girls walked to the board and was doodling her name. As she was writing on the board, she said, "Mrs. Adams, it is what it is, and it ain't what it ain't." I had often heard the first part of that saying, but had never heard that second part. I chuckled to myself and thought, "Darlin', you have just described my life."
I thought of how this statement applies to my life. Originally, I must admit that I thought of it with negative overtones.
It is a reason to be bitter. It ain't an opportunity to be better.
It is a reason to show revenge. It ain't an opportunity to show grace.
It is the end of a marriage. It ain't gonna ever be the same for my family again.
Over time I have realized how destructive this way of thinking is. Why is it so much easier to think that way? I have shown my fair share of revenge over the last few months. I have said and done things for which I have had to apologize. It is not a good place to be. I once heard someone say, "Bitterness and unforgiveness is like drinking a toxic poison and hoping the other person dies." I cannot live with those feelings eating me alive. I am slowly realizing that with God's help (because we sure can't do this in our own human nature) we have the ability to change the way we think. So now I will choose to say:
It is an opportunity to be better. It ain't a reason to be bitter.
It is an opportunity to show grace. It ain't a reason to show revenge.
It is the end of a marriage. While it ain't ever gonna be the same again, it ain't the end of a friendship.
The list could go on and on. It is simply a matter of how we think.
I think there is not a verse that reminds us of this any better than Philippians 4:8-9. I love The Message paraphrase of it.
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."
The best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly - I like that!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Waves of Grief
We live near the beach. The sound of ocean waves is one of my favorite things. I used to really enjoy going out and jumping the waves, but as I have gotten older, I have more pleasure just sitting and watching them. Every once in a great while, I will be brave and adventurous and tackle a few waves. The small ones are my favorite. They give me a little boost, and I get a free ride closer to shore. But once in a while, a really big one comes along. Often I don’t see it, and I am not ready for it at all. It hits with such force that it completely overtakes me. For about five seconds, I feel overwhelmed. I am taking in water, I cannot breathe, and I begin to panic. It feels more like five minutes than five seconds. But eventually the wave passes, and I surface once again. I can breathe. I am alive. I can calm down now until the next big wave comes.
In the beginning of my crisis, someone told me that grief is like waves. Some days a really big wave of grief will hit me. I don’t know where it comes from. I am not be prepared for it, and it overtakes me. I cannot eat or sleep. I feel like I cannot breathe. But eventually it passes. It will not last forever.
I have experienced many “waves of grief.” One was in the grocery store. It is funny how just one small reminder can bring on the waves. When they come, they are overwhelming. It has become a code word for me and my girls as a way of letting them know when I am having a hard time. A few weeks ago we were going to a movie. I had been struggling through a wave. I really wanted to back out of the movie, but I didn’t. In the car I said, “Girls, a wave has hit. “ My precious daughter said, “It’s okay, Mom; we are here with you to help you swim through it.” On this particular day, that was all it took. The wave passed, and the water was calm for a while.
The next time I am blindsided by a wave of grief, I will remember a these things:
- I will survive the wave. I will surface soon and be able to breathe again.
- There are people who love me and can help me get through the waves.
- There will be more waves. They will never stop. But in time I will become stronger, and they will not overtake me as they did in the beginning.
And finally, there is a ONE who loves us who can help us swim through any wave that comes our way.
"But mightier than the violent raging of the seas,
mightier than the breakers on the shore—
the Lord above is mightier than these!"
Psalm 93:4 (New Living Translation)
In the beginning of my crisis, someone told me that grief is like waves. Some days a really big wave of grief will hit me. I don’t know where it comes from. I am not be prepared for it, and it overtakes me. I cannot eat or sleep. I feel like I cannot breathe. But eventually it passes. It will not last forever.
I have experienced many “waves of grief.” One was in the grocery store. It is funny how just one small reminder can bring on the waves. When they come, they are overwhelming. It has become a code word for me and my girls as a way of letting them know when I am having a hard time. A few weeks ago we were going to a movie. I had been struggling through a wave. I really wanted to back out of the movie, but I didn’t. In the car I said, “Girls, a wave has hit. “ My precious daughter said, “It’s okay, Mom; we are here with you to help you swim through it.” On this particular day, that was all it took. The wave passed, and the water was calm for a while.
The next time I am blindsided by a wave of grief, I will remember a these things:
- I will survive the wave. I will surface soon and be able to breathe again.
- There are people who love me and can help me get through the waves.
- There will be more waves. They will never stop. But in time I will become stronger, and they will not overtake me as they did in the beginning.
And finally, there is a ONE who loves us who can help us swim through any wave that comes our way.
"But mightier than the violent raging of the seas,
mightier than the breakers on the shore—
the Lord above is mightier than these!"
Psalm 93:4 (New Living Translation)
Monday, July 5, 2010
A Very Dark Place
I grew up in the country. There were no street lights. When the sky was void of stars and the moon was in hiding, the night would be pitch black. Often I would have to go outside to get something from the car. It was so frightening to me, even as a teenager. Once outside, I literally could not see my hand in front of my face. I would run as fast as I could back to the safety of the house.
Recently, I went to a different type of dark place. I could not eat. I could not sleep. All I wanted to do was lie in my bed. I literally felt as if my arms and legs were tied down to the bed. Two weeks earlier I had run a half marathon. Yet on this day, when I tried to take a half-mile stroll around the block, I could hardly make it. “Just let me get home,” was all I could think. And once I got home, I drew the curtains, turned off the lights, and crawled into the bed. My world had come to a sudden and complete halt. If only I could just run away from this dark place. If I could just run back to the safety of life as I knew it before. I don’t want to be here in this dark place, yet at the same time, I don’t want to be anywhere else. It’s as if I stand at the beginning of this unplanned journey. There are several different roads I can take, and I do not want to take any of them. All I want to do is turn around and go back to happier times. That is not an option. So it is just easier to fall into the dark place and succumb to nothingness.
Then I look to my left, and I see a beautiful young woman with chestnut hair. I look to my right, and there is another beautiful girl with hair black as a raven. They are looking to me to lead them through. Oh, just to stay in the dark place. I am beginning to feel comfortable there. The dark place is empty. No feelings. Nothingness. This is better for me because feeling nothing feels better than feeling the pain. But once again those two girls stare at me. Their eyes say, “Help us, Mom. Lead us out of this dark place.”
When I was thrust into this journey, a very wise friend gave me very wise counsel. I will never forget it as long as I live. She said, “The way you handle this situation will shape your children into the adult women they become.” I look back at those eyes pleading with me. “Mom, which way do we go?” So I must crawl out of the dark place. I must take my precious girls by the hand and say, “Let’s choose a road.” I am scared. Will it be the right path? I do not know the answer to that. What I do know is that I must START the journey with them.
How do I crawl out of the dark place? I do all the things I know to do. I see a medical doctor for help. I go to professional counseling, and I lean heavily on my family and friends. I trust that God is there. I am having a hard time feeling that he is, but deep down, I know he is. For now, I trust that knowledge, and that is enough.
I do all these things, yet I am still in “the dark place.” Now what? Now the crawl begins. The alarm goes off, and I get up. I force myself to hold my chin up and put one foot in front of the other. I make it through one day.
This blog was written a couple of months ago. I am no longer in this dark place. I will be sharing that process in future blogs. I wanted to post this for others who may be experiencing "the dark place" now. It is okay to be in this place. You cannot help the way you feel. However, please don't let yourself stay in this place. Lean on your family and friends, trust God's promise, and begin the crawl!
"God, you did everything you promised,
and I'm thanking you with all my heart.
You pulled me from the brink of death,
my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
Now I stroll at leisure with God
in the sunlit fields of life."
Psalm 56:12-13 (The Message)
Without a doubt, the best book I have ever read on depression is "Bright Days, Dark Nights" It is the story of Charles Spurgeon's on-going struggle with depression.
Recently, I went to a different type of dark place. I could not eat. I could not sleep. All I wanted to do was lie in my bed. I literally felt as if my arms and legs were tied down to the bed. Two weeks earlier I had run a half marathon. Yet on this day, when I tried to take a half-mile stroll around the block, I could hardly make it. “Just let me get home,” was all I could think. And once I got home, I drew the curtains, turned off the lights, and crawled into the bed. My world had come to a sudden and complete halt. If only I could just run away from this dark place. If I could just run back to the safety of life as I knew it before. I don’t want to be here in this dark place, yet at the same time, I don’t want to be anywhere else. It’s as if I stand at the beginning of this unplanned journey. There are several different roads I can take, and I do not want to take any of them. All I want to do is turn around and go back to happier times. That is not an option. So it is just easier to fall into the dark place and succumb to nothingness.
Then I look to my left, and I see a beautiful young woman with chestnut hair. I look to my right, and there is another beautiful girl with hair black as a raven. They are looking to me to lead them through. Oh, just to stay in the dark place. I am beginning to feel comfortable there. The dark place is empty. No feelings. Nothingness. This is better for me because feeling nothing feels better than feeling the pain. But once again those two girls stare at me. Their eyes say, “Help us, Mom. Lead us out of this dark place.”
When I was thrust into this journey, a very wise friend gave me very wise counsel. I will never forget it as long as I live. She said, “The way you handle this situation will shape your children into the adult women they become.” I look back at those eyes pleading with me. “Mom, which way do we go?” So I must crawl out of the dark place. I must take my precious girls by the hand and say, “Let’s choose a road.” I am scared. Will it be the right path? I do not know the answer to that. What I do know is that I must START the journey with them.
How do I crawl out of the dark place? I do all the things I know to do. I see a medical doctor for help. I go to professional counseling, and I lean heavily on my family and friends. I trust that God is there. I am having a hard time feeling that he is, but deep down, I know he is. For now, I trust that knowledge, and that is enough.
I do all these things, yet I am still in “the dark place.” Now what? Now the crawl begins. The alarm goes off, and I get up. I force myself to hold my chin up and put one foot in front of the other. I make it through one day.
This blog was written a couple of months ago. I am no longer in this dark place. I will be sharing that process in future blogs. I wanted to post this for others who may be experiencing "the dark place" now. It is okay to be in this place. You cannot help the way you feel. However, please don't let yourself stay in this place. Lean on your family and friends, trust God's promise, and begin the crawl!
"God, you did everything you promised,
and I'm thanking you with all my heart.
You pulled me from the brink of death,
my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
Now I stroll at leisure with God
in the sunlit fields of life."
Psalm 56:12-13 (The Message)
Without a doubt, the best book I have ever read on depression is "Bright Days, Dark Nights" It is the story of Charles Spurgeon's on-going struggle with depression.
Sharing the Journey
I am on a trip that I never imagined I would take, yet I am here nonetheless. I have decided to share my journey. It is a journey of healing. My hope is to one day arrive at the destination of my journey, wholeness. No doubt my journey will have tears and sorrow, but it will have laughter and joy as well . I will do things that are good, and I will make mistakes. Some will not understand parts of the journey. Hopefully, these friends will allow me to make my own way. They will help guide me and encourage me along the way. But ultimately, the journey is mine. The only way to ever reach complete wholeness is through complete honesty. So I will not “sugar coat” and make things pretty. It will be painful, but it will be beautiful. Most importantly, it will be real!
“There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.” Philippians 1:6 (The Message)
“There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.” Philippians 1:6 (The Message)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
