Sunday, November 21, 2010

Yes, Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.

Today I went to a different church.  I wanted to go to one where no one knew me.  My family and friends have been absolutely amazing in helping me through the dark days of my Unplanned Journey.  However, I have felt lately that I need to visit a church where it is just me and God.  It is hard to explain.  But I just wanted to be somewhere that there was no history and where no one knew my story.  I just prayed and went online and searched for churches in Pensacola.  The first one to come up was Harvest Church which meets in the Rave Theater.  There was a 10:00 service.  I decided to go.

On the way there, I was struggling.  I have said from the beginning of the blog that I would be honest with my struggles, for that is the only way to reach healing.  I have had an emotional week.  I wrote earlier about ending my relationship with David last week.  I felt us connecting on many different levels.  I was so afraid that he was not having those same connections, and I was terrified of being hurt.  I have struggled with that decision all week.  Was it the right one?  I just don't know anymore.  Yesterday I was working in my yards and praying about the situation.  Rarely do I think that God speaks to me.  It is not an audible voice, just something that comes to my mind, and I know beyond a shadow of any doubt that it is from God.  The words from Him were this.  "Not necessarily no, just not now."  I am not sure exactly what the "Not necessarily no" part means.  Does it mean, not necessarily no to David?  Maybe God will bring us back together one day.  Does it mean not necessarily no to any future relationship?  I am just not sure.  What I do understand is the "just not now" part.  For now, God wants me to focus on Him and let Him continue to do the healing work in me that He started on January 19.  I still believe with all my heart that God put me and David in each other's paths.  I strongly believe that he was a part of my healing process, and I still am not completely convinced that our journey together has ended.  But for now, once again, my relationship needs to be with God.

I have come so far from where I was this spring.  Let me be quick to say that I know that the endings of my marriage and this most recent relationship do not even begin to compare.  And though I am sad, I have complete faith and trust in my heavenly Father that He has the very best in store for me.  The "dark place" is not even a remote enticement.  Last night, I laughed so hard.  I have three of the girls' friends from Slapout here with us.  Several of my students from school were on a photograph scavenger hunt.  They texted me and asked me if they could come by to get some of the items for the hunt.  They needed someone dressed up like Harry Potter, a guy dressed in girl's clothes, a girl in jeans with holes, and two people jumping in a pool.

Here are the "scavengers."  They talked me into the "holy" jean picture!

We tried to get one of her guy friends from Slapout to wear the dress. He tried one on but said it didn't fit. He then agreed to go jump in the pool with one of the girls. After jumping in the pool, he said, "I'm cold...I'm wet...they tried to make me wear a dress, but I refused. On the other hand, I'm still havin a ballin time in P-cola!"  I laughed so hard at them.  It was a delicious laugh, and it felt so very good.  Months ago, if something made me sad, because of the overall circumstances in my life, I could not bring myself to laugh no matter how hard I tried or how funny the situation.  Yes, God has brought me a long way.

This morning when I decided to go to a different church, I was struggling again with some sadness from the relationship ending.  I was driving by myself and was praying about this hurt and sadness.  Once again, I know God spoke to my heart.

"Do you believe and trust in me with all your heart?" 
          "Yes, God, I do."
"Even if that means that there will never be a relationship with David?" 
         "Yes, God, I do." 
" Even if this means that you never marry again?"  
           "Wait, God, this one is really hard.  Please don't ask me this. I loved being married. I love sharing my life and all those connections with a special someone."  I paused for a moment and then resignedly said, "Yes, God, I still believe in You and trust You and will give You praise because I know that You know what is best for me." 

You see, my life has always been so good, and it was easy to say that I trust and believe God.  Now, what I say I believe has been put to the test.   Here is the thing.  It is hard to truly believe these things.  But our first step in the faith process is saying that we do believe.  Mark 9:15-30 tells the story of a man who brings his son who is demon possessed to Jesus.  Jesus tells him anything is possible if he will believe.  The man says, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief."

In my heart, that is what I was saying to God today.  "Yes, Lord, I believe, but please help me in my moments of unbelief."

I went on to the church service.  It was absolutely wonderful.  God met me there, and I worshiped.  There was one particular song that we sang that I felt was my prayer to God.  Here are a few of the lyrics that meant so much to me:

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours.

Six months ago, when I was in the dark place, I could not stand.  I could not even crawl.  Today I am sad.  But even though I am sad, I stood in that church service, raised my arms high to God and said, "All I am is Yours."

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