Thursday, July 8, 2010

In a Relationship!

One of the highlights of my days when I am at school is sitting around the table at lunch with fellow teachers. In the beginning of the year, we had to sit at real lunchroom tables. You know the ones. They have those little round seats. You have to be six and weigh fifty pounds to fit on them! We were so thrilled the day that our principal got us a "real" table with "real" big people chairs.

I would usually eat lunch with about four women and four men. We are all from different walks of life. When I was in the "dark place," I did not eat with them for about six weeks. They all knew something was wrong. Different ones would stick their head in my door. "You okay, Adams?" "Yes, I am fine," I lied. Why do we wait so long to reach out to people for help? Why are we so bound and determined to do things on our own? With me, I think that I was holding out that all of this would just "go away," and life would go back to normal. I could once again join them at the lunch table as the happy one who was always smiling.

Well, life didn't go back to normal. Finally, I came to the day that I knew I needed to go join them again. No one asked where I had been. No one pried. They just gave me my space and let me sit quietly. Slowly, over time, I began to talk. At first our talks were very serious. They listened. They sympathized. They did not judge. As the weeks passed, we started drawing closer to the end of the school year. The gravity of my situation was finally beginning to lift a little. I could feel myself slowly pulling out of the "dark place." Finally, I could sit at the lunch table, and once again we could laugh.

One day when we were sitting there, the dean looked at me. He said, "Adams, I have been divorced. Let me prepare you for what is coming next. Everybody and their brother is going to try to set you up with somebody." Are you kidding me??? I have been married to the love of my life for twenty-one years, and people would honestly think that I want to go that route anytime in the remotely near future??? He said, "Just wait."

Well, people have been gracious and not pushed too hard, but I have gotten plenty of advice about finding the "next relationship."

- "Before you date, check the bank account. Marry for money. Do nothing all day and drive a Lexus." (From a fellow male teacher...He went on to say, "Heck, that's what I would do if I was a woman. You can get used to ugly.")

- "Take your time. You need to give yourself at least a year to find yourself." (From several friends who had been in a similar situation.)

- "Okay, as soon as you're ready, I got a great guy to set you up with. He's a really nice guy, and he drives a Mercedes. (This was from my dear friend's husband. What is it with men and cars??)

And I think my favorite one was:
- "Take a bus trip; that is where I found my man." (From my "older" twisted sister, Ellen.)

On a serious note, my very wise friend whom I mentioned in an earlier blog gave me the best advice yet. She said, "Amy, it is now over." Gosh, I still can't stand to hear those words. Sometimes I am still in denial and find myself thinking that it is all really a very bad dream. But she is right. It is over. She then went on to say, "Now, let God be your husband."

What does it mean to let God be your husband? I have pondered that, and here is the best answer that I can discern. I read a quote recently that said, "A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there is less of you." By making God my husband, he can help me rebuild those missing parts and make me into the person that he wants me to be. I think all too many times, people look to human relationships to restore what was destroyed. Just hang with me a minute. I am not saying that we cannot go on and have other relationships. I am sure that some day I will get to that point. But right now I am broken. I do not need to look to a person to "fix me." God needs to do that. Then down the road, when I am whole again, who knows? To me, that is what it means to "make God my husband."

So for now, my Facebook status could be "in a relationship"...with God! And there is one thing about which I am certain. This is exactly where I need to be. So to all the cupids out there...maybe one day! For now, you are going to have a pretty hard time setting me up with someone as perfect as the guy I have!

Isaiah 54:4-5 (New Living Translation)

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood.
For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth."


  1. I read this everyday!! And it is a healing message for everyone...divorced or not...married or not...Amy you probably don't even realize, but this is not only therapy for you, but will be for others that you don't even know. I love you and so glad you have left that dark place behind and now see the light of day!!

  2. Thank you, Chris. You are always so encouraging. I am glad that it is helping others. As I said earlier, that at least makes what I am going through not be in vain. Love you too!

  3. Hi Amy. You are not alone.
    It was not divorce but it felt just like it. I was a broken soul and with several rooms full of boxes of a life that was ready to continue in a new city and suddenly all was over. I also got closer to God and it was him who helped me through the long and painful journey. HE kept me sane well as sane you can be when you don’t even brush your hair for days. But HE was there and never let me alone. I even felt something once. I cannot describe it completely, but it felt like a warm hug one day that I asked HIM to help me. Tears come to my eyes. You are a beautiful person and when you are with God you are never alone. Is the strongest of the relationships, the most important and one you will never feel pain from HE is the ALL MIGHTY and his love in endless. I'm so happy you decided to share your journey. P

  4. Hello Amy....I do not know you personally, I found your blog through the Beth Moore living proof blog. I have to be honest with you....I am struggling a little bit over this blog. From what I understand, you were a preacher's wife, which is cool, but a wife, nonetheless. I realize that I have only read some of your blogs and do not know the full story, but I did read in one of your blogs where you said that he (your husband) did not do anything specifically to cause the divorce?!? (I think I read that right?!) I am a newlywed, and if this is true, and there was no infidelity or abuse, I do not see why you two have divorced, or where it is Biblical that you divorced? In my opinion, as hard as it may be, it is our job to work through the difficulties to maintain our marriage. And I believe that God would not want you to divorce and stay that way. Though you may already know this, HE CAN FIX YOUR MARRIAGE! And it's never too late. Even if it is already final. I believe, for the sake of your children, and because God hates divorce for any reason beyond infidelity, that He can MEND THIS!

  5. Thank you for your comment. I absolutely agree completely with you. My husband wanted the divorce. When he shared with the congregation that we were getting a divorce, he told them that it was completely his decision and that decision had brought tremendous pain upon me and the girls. He was the love of my life. Anyone who knew us would attest to that. I prayed like I have never prayed. Friends prayed, but after four counseling sessions, he said that there was nothing I could do and he wanted the divorce. I was absolutely devastated and broken beyond repair. Only God was able to heal me and make me whole again. There are many details to the divorce that I have chosen not to share. That was not the point of the blog. I think if you read further on, you would have a greater understanding that there was NOTHING within me that wanted this divorce, absolutely nothing. But, when a person chooses to walk away, you have no choice in the matter. I am not sure what you read. I will have to go back and reread the blogs. I know that I talked about being friends with him, but I don't remember saying that he didn't do anything to cause the divorce.

    I do appreciate your comment. I like you believe that God is able to mend anything. However, He gave people free will. He will not force His will on anyone. Believe me, I wish he would, because I never wanted to be divorced.

    It is a sad situation all the way around. He was an amazing minister, but is no longer in ministry. There has been so much devastation caused from this. My prayer is that somehow God can bring good things from it. I continue to claim that all things work together for good. It doesn't mean that the what happens is good, but it does mean that we serve a great God who is able to bring "beauty from ashes."

    God Bless you!

  6. I understand. Thank you for responding in the way that you did. God will continue to take care of you. I am sure down the road he will realize what a jewel he lost, and what a tragic mistake that he made. But God has got your back. Isn't that wonderful to know?! Nothing that happens to us gets past Him!

  7. Amen! "God has got my back" I love that and it truly expresses how I feel.

  8. Amy, a close friend has been forwarding me links to your blog, my divorce was final 2 weeks ago today after almost 20 years. Sharing your pain helps me realize that so many of my feelings are not because I'm "crazy", but are evidently part of the normal grieving process. It's tough, much harder than I could have ever imagined. Thanks for sharing your pain, your strength, and your trust. I'm still in the pain stage, not much strength, even less trust. But you provide hope. Thank you.

  9. It will get better. You will think you are finally "over" it and then something will happen and the wound will open back up. What I can say is that every time I go through a rough spot, it becomes a little easier to work through. I cling to God, my family and my friends. I wish there were a pill you could take or a 12 step program that you could go through and in a few short weeks, we could be fixed. But, I can tell you this. When you come out on the other side, you will be stronger than you ever imagined that you could be! I don't know your name, but God does and I will surely be praying for you!