Thursday, September 23, 2010

Feelings of Indifference

Friends told me in the beginning of the journey that they experienced three different phases.  In the beginning, there was still the presence of deep, committed love.  It was so strong that they were compelled to do almost anything in order to save the marriage.  After being inflicted with  many battle wounds, the love turned to hate.  With time, the hate gave way to pity.

While I have experienced moments with each of these emotions, I now find myself in a state of indifference.  I really just don't feel anything.  I am not sad, but I am also not angry.  Actually, I find that as I am rediscovering who I am, it becomes easier to let go of the relationship.  

I walked outside tonight to look at the full moon.  It was gorgeous.  I sat down in the swing and reminisced a little.  Jason and I often enjoyed sitting outside in the evenings on our swing, especially in the fall.  We would talk about our day or the girls.  Sometimes we would just sit there quietly.  When I went outside tonight, it was just me.  I thought about my day.  I prayed some.  I was alone, and I was okay.  

I wondered for a moment if by some chance, he was out there looking at the moon at the same time.  He probably wasn't, but it was a nice thought.  I thought of how he and I will always be connected because we share two amazing daughters.    Just as we can be 180 miles apart and staring at the same moon, we will now live two completely separate lives, yet always be linked through the girls.  

When that thought entered my mind, I thought that maybe indifference isn't such a bad place to be.  If I stayed in the deep, maddening love, I could never move forward.  Being consumed with hate is the worst place to be.  It will destroy you.  Pity could be rationalized as healthy.  Yet even with that, you have to be careful.  It is easy to find yourself feeling superior to the other person as you pity him.  I know that from experience.  So maybe indifference is a good way to approach the relationship.  

I am really not sure on this one.  All I can talk about is my experience, and tonight it was a good.  I was able to think about moments from the past, acknowledge that I will always be linked to Jason through the girls, and at the same time not feel sad or anxious.  Maybe a better word for the situation is peace.  According to Wikipedia, peace is a relationship operating harmoniously and without conflict.  We are without conflict most of the time. I am not so sure we have made it to the harmonious part.  But, who knows?  Maybe we were looking up at the same moon tonight.

It was a good stop on the journey.  I hope there are many more like it.  This sweet, contemplative time was immediately followed by Round 2 with the armadillo, but that is another blog!

Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

No comments:

Post a Comment